Alone

As a toddler I remember hating being alone. My parents probably remember this clearly as I used to sneak into their bed at night, leaving them bruised and sore from my rolling and kicking. Growing up, I would constantly run into my brother's room where the AC would be running, 'Bone Thugs & Harmony' or 'DC Talk' would be blaring, and my brother would be pounding away on his Sega Genesis. As a kid this was always comforting. Having someone in the same room, filling up space and creating a ruckus meant the silent unknown was less formidable and less inclined to wrap its tentacles around me. As a kid, my imagination was much more frightening than the mundane. I wasn't a coward, I wasn't always afraid -- then and now, being alone is only a problem when I'm hit with the sudden realization that there is no one else with me and if anything bad happens to me or pounces on me, there wouldn't be anyone to come to my rescue.

As an adult I'm not gripped with the same fear as I was when I was younger. But the realization of being alone gives me the same irrational hopelessness, and longing for something to run home to. I'm in a very quiet house where the only noise comes from the whirling of the fan, the beats and tunes from my stereo, and the engine of cars that drive 17 floors below me. These are empty sounds. The first thing I noticed when my parents left for the States at 3am was the lack of chattering in the morning that usually wakes me up. The second thing I noticed was the eerily quiet living room where the radio would usually be tuned to a senti- or classical music station. I guess these are the things I miss most right now. Noise doesn't fill a room, it just creates an atmosphere. And the atmosphere my parents created is gone. I guess this is the reason why I'm hit with the realization that I'm alone.

Home

A month and a half ago my parents retired from the mission field and returned to the Philippines. God blessed my father with a very generous brother who let my parents and I stay in his very recently finished condo unit. Last night, over dinner, I mentioned to my parents that I've lived in eight different houses my entire life (with a minimum duration of one year). And although I was aware of how often I've moved, it surprised me that eight houses equates to one house every three years. I said this statement out loud, and my mom looked concerned and tried to reassure me that it was part of their job and since we were renting and returning to the Philippines every four years, we didn't have much choice. You can tell from her change in tone that she was worried I may have psychological issues as an effect of our bouncing around, but honestly I love moving. I love getting up and moving to a new location, and developing a new relationship with a different part of the city, just as long as the people I see everyday don't change (it also helps that for the most part, every house I've lived in has been an upgrade from the last house). And right now, I think I've reached the apex of my house hunting career. The condo I live in is one of the nicest condos in the Philippines -- and if I wasn't such a well-mannered individual I'd probably rub it in everyone's face. (muahahah) But in two years, I may have to move out again, and really I'm fine with that. I look forward to it really, because I know that a new house means a new and unique experience that'll force me to adjust. I look forward to cleansing myself of useless junk that I've accumulated over the years and living off the bare necessities all over again. I get mildly uncomfortable visiting old houses that have not gone through major renovation in a long time, or seeing the accumulation of stuff that are plopped in a corner pretending to be decoration but really don't serve any real purpose at all. I'm a minimalist, that's one you know should know about me. I'm not here to bash sentimental people, I'm just stating my preference. I'm the type of guy who could live in a model home and be totally cool with it.

You can tell I haven't blogged in a while because this post at no direction. Hope you don't mind. I'm trying to get back into blogging, so give me some time.

Recap

A week ago I was admitted to St. Luke's hospital for Dengue. My platelet count dropped to 87,000 while the normal platelet level is between 150,000 and 450,000. If it's too low, excessive bleeding can occur. Fortunately, by Wednesday my platelet count went up to 118,000 and the doctor discharged me. Well, here are a few blessings during this past week:

• My brother arrived in the Phil. for a vacation on Aug. 2 and left Aug 11. I was sick from Aug. 1 to Aug. 10. (I kind of feel bad about that -- sorry bro if I wrecked your sched with my untimely illness)
• My company's health insurance was actually pending when I was being admitted to the hospital, but they must've rushed the application because I didn't pay anything when I left
• People from church helped me get my PhilHealth (national health insurance) papers signed at the office proving that I did make PhilHealth contributions for six months (even though I actually only made five contributions. heehee)
• The HR person at my office pretty much walked me through the requirements I needed for billing
• My aunt and uncle came on day 1 and made sure I got a room and that I was comfortable (It's really encouraging to have people around, especially if it's your first time to be confined at the hospital)
• A loooot of visitors which is nice to have especially when you're stuck in a room day after day. We really were made to be social people
• Some people from Church helped with my check out, so I had a ride home from the hospital

Anyways, thanks everyone for being so caring and for all your prayers and support. I really appreciate the community I have around me.

[Note, I didn't check the grammar before I pressed Publish Post... Bad habit of mine]

Wet Season

Note: I wrote the following yesterday, June 24, 2011, before my internet got cut off.

Waking up at 4AM to the sound of violent rain is dreadful. Not only do memories flood back of typhoon Ondoy, which some people are reliving at this moment, but the rain is also a portent of ruined plans. That's what I thought as I got online to check if 80 percent of Metro Manila was, again, flooded. I was met with headlines stating "Flash floods swamp Metro," and later in the day "'Falcon' affects over 100,000 persons in Metro Manila, parts of Luzon."

You can read about the tropical storm "Falcon" on news sites like Inquirer.net or ABS-CBNnews.com/ANC, but I also want to state what was going through my mind this morning. I hope the Taiwan consulate is open. I knew that if Falcon was anything like Ondoy, my chances of securing a visa to Taiwan in time for a Wednesday departure would disappear, and I had made up my mind that leaving after Wednesday was both too expensive and too short a trip. I set the condition: if I was able to apply for a visa and book a ticket that morning, then I would go; if false, then I would cancel my trip. Recalling my thought process this morning is embarrassing because I was so decisive.

You should know something about me, I'm very pessimistic. I was so unsure my plans would push through because there were so many things that could go wrong. What if I can't print the documents? What if I don't have enough money? So many what if's... And it doesn't help that my mom and I planned the trip the day before.

When I think about the future, I think of all the hurdles I may face, all the problems I may encounter, and all the failures I may have to endure. This doesn't only apply to my trip to Taiwan, but to life in general. As a relatively fresh graduate, I still find financial independence to be daunting. As a guy who's never been in a long and serious relationship, marriage seems like a foreign concept. And raising kids? That's another life. I don't have the maturity for that. I'm not financially stable. I can't even pay for my own rent. Tomorrow one of my high school friends is getting married. We talked about it once. We briefly exchanged words about growing up and what it means to be living by our own hands, so-to-speak. From my vantage point, it looks impossible. I cant even tell how I made it this far. God's grace, I'm sure. But more and more I realize, life is a relentless storm: possessions will be swept away, valuables will submerge in the floods, lives will be lost.

But fortunately, today, I was able to apply for my visa and I was able to book a flight to Taipei. I'm weathering the storm so far, and the future looks promising. In a week's time I'll be in Taiwan. I pray that everything works out.

To Do List - June 13, 2011

1. Watch Lebron beat down Dallas in Game 6 of the NBA Finals.
2. Renew my NBI Clearance at Victory Mall, Monumento
3. Make my home presentable for CI (which I presume means cottage inspection)
4. Blog about unemployment or about my siblings.
5. Buy garlic.
6. Prepare for Tuesday's small group.
7. Read 100 pages of Game of Thrones.

New beginnings

My computer froze on Thursday. When I tried to restart the computer, it refused to boot up and I was met with an error screen that told me my computer registry cannot be found. Fortunately, I received some advice from a friend this morning who told me how to reformat my computer without needing to run anything from the hard drive.

So I have a fresh start.

I bought this computer in June 2008. It's an Asus M51 with a 2.10Ghz processor, 2GB of RAM, working on a 32-bit Operating System. It's not bad. It's comparable with computers you can buy now.

But when I reformatted my computer, I was given a lot of choices with what I could do with it: new desktop background, freshly labeled folders, and so much space. I have 207GB of free memory! But one of the most important thing that defines a personalized computer is the programs I install. So here's a list of computer program essentials in order of importance:

1. Google Chrome - an uncluttered, and fully customizable browser that makes surfing the web seamless
2. iTunes - for my iPod. So far no music, only podcasts
3. Skype - haven't downloaded it yet, but my family will be mad at me if I don't install it
4. VLC Media Player - for movies
5. AVG Anti-virus - everyone needs an antivirus (I'm not using one right now actually). I would've said Avast, but last time I installed it my computer crashed.

That's all for now. I'll see what else I need when the time comes.

Christianity in my life

As with anywhere on earth, there are many stereotypes we attribute to different groups, some are justifiable, others are ridiculous. But one that I'm really intrigued by is the perception of Protestants/Born Again/Evangelical Christians here in the Philippines. I remember having a conversation with a friend at a school party. It was held at a club and it was about AIDs awareness, so they gave away condoms and served alcohol. I told my friend that I don't drink (due to my upbringing and partly because I attend a very conservative Church). And her reply was, "Christians are such good people. You guy don't drink or smoke. G. is a Christian too, right? She's such a nice person. So much better than her friends."

At first I attributed this to the Church that G. and I attend: An uber-conservative Chinese Church that doesn't condone dancing, let alone drinking. I thought to myself, I hope you know that not all Christians are "good."

Then earlier at work I was chatting with a coworker and she started talking about her ex-boyfriend. "He's a Christian, just like you. He's super nice. [Why aren't you nice like him?]" And again, she attributed Protestants with being genuinely nice. And when I thought about it, she had a lot of reasons to believe that. There are other Christians at my work place and they're the kindest people you'll ever meet. They treat people as people want to be treated, with respect. They don't say mean or hurtful things, but instead show kindness.

Almost every serious Christian I know has a very kind heart, whether it's demonstrated through generosity or service or words of encouragement, it makes spotting Christians in the secular world really easy. Didn't Jesus say, "By their fruit you will recognize them."

At church I always ask myself, how can I be a Christian at work? There's no obvious answer, but for me, you just have to be different. The world will spot you by your behavior. Sure you can aggressively share the gospel in 20 minutes (which I've been trained to do), but so far the only people it's attracted are the people who are already Christians. I've talked to non-Christians and they've said it's a turn off.

"Christians are so pushy and forceful. They always say, 'if you don't become a Christian now you're going to hell.' What right do they have to say that to me? I'm not that bad. I don't think God will hate me for my small sins."

Another person said something like, "I'm okay with Christians, but I don't like it when they force their religion on you."

I don't mean to bash certain organizations that evangelize like this. Sometimes it works and people are saved and it's great. Sometimes it drives a whole other stereotype about Protestants and I don't like it. And what's painful is that I am pressured by these people, and they say that I'm not doing the Great Commission because I'm not taking every opportunity. And it hurts when I hear Jesus say that "every tree that does not produce good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire."

At the same time, I don't think Christianity should be cheaply marketed. I hate it when random people approach me telling me about some great deal that I can avail of, or some NGO that I contribute to. And in the same way, I kind of feel that way about religion -- I don't want to be trapped into hearing the Good News. I don't want to be cornered by a fanatic. I don't want to buy something that I don't feel I need.

And I feel terrible for thinking this way because I know Christians who truly believe in a 20-minute gospel presentation. Is that the labor God wants from us? Or is it being stereotypically nice? Are we supposed to seize every opportunity? Or do we wait for the perfect time? And the question I struggle with most, are we any better for choosing one side over the other?

Two Stories

I have to write out these two stories before I forget them.

1) Aha!

I have a remarkable ability at not remembering dreams. Dreams, for me, are as slippery as an ice rink in tropical countries (I was supposed to say 'as slippery as a greased pic' which actually makes sense, but is not relevant to Philippine life). Once I wake up in the morning, everything that happened that night is wiped away, like the morning after heavy drinkng(still not relevant). I need to stop with these similes. Anyway, yesterday I had a dream, but forgot it when I woke up. I knew the dream was interesting, but wasn't sure why. I wanted to be bummed out, but it's hard to be bummed out about something that you can't remember.

Skip to me commuting to work that morning. The MRT is croweded every morning, starting from 6:50 onward. We're crammed inside like sardines (relevant) and every now and then you bump into someone intentionally. Someone bumped that morning: a guy gave me an uppercut, caught me in the jaw. All of a sudden my dream came back to me. The guy was apologetic, but he must've been weirded out by my broad grin (exaggerating). His soft and unintentional punch helped me remember my dream, which was of me getting into a fight, getting a swollen, black eye.

That's all I remember, actually. I need to get hit again to remember the rest of it.

2) Elevator

I barely caught the elevator this morning. Again, I'm crowded around people heading to work. I press the button for 15, and then hear a guy behind me comment, "Gee, every floor is pressed except for 9 and 10." And I kid you not, I almost pressed 9 and 10. If it was anyone I know, if the people around me weren't strangers, I would have done it. The only thing that prevented me from making everyone have no wait for floors 9 and 10 was my superego. It also helped that I didn't see the person behind me.

Gosh, I'm immature.

Teaming-up

Can you say that I'm partly responsible for something I had no control over? something that was unpredictable? Sure, you can argue that we were collectively responsible for making R. cry, but who knew that would happen? We tease one another a lot, it was the starting point of our group, the foundation that we built our relationship on. Jokes are something to laugh about, not something to take personally. Thus it perplexes me why R. would unravel emotionally when we said she became meaner after the second days of work. Well, sure that was a mean thing to say -- but the truth is everyone became mean and she was the nicest one of us all. She was tempered, religious, innocent . . . That's probably the reason she took it so hard. She got it into her head that we as a group secretly furbished a terrible reputation for her. She believed that our jokes were no longer jokes but discreet cries for R. to stop being such a bully. And that's why she broke. That's why she cried. And that's why I filled her mug with strawberry flavored hi-chew. Get well dear.

#humblebrag

What irritates me most is when I see my own faults in other people.

Use your imagination and picture Exhibit A. A person who whines a lot. (that was easy, right?)

This evening I talked to someone who's a replicate of me. (Exhibit B. Picture a college kid who looks up to me and wants to be like me) But during our conversation college boy said some insensitive things that a good listener would find offensive, and I rebuked him. We had a long conversation about his life, priorities, etc. Afterwards, some people who were listening said it looked like I was the guy's "advisor" and I had been "exalted." I'm not saying this to make myself look good. On the contrary, I'm mentioning it because of how opposite it actually is.

This kid was becoming me. [Almost] Every point he made that angered me was a reflection of how I live my life. [Almost] Everything that I reprimanded him on was something I am guilty of myself. I'm already kicking myself half an hour after the conversation, because I feel like a hypocrite.

Kids, don't be like me. Don't be obnoxious and full of yourself like me. If you think I'm having fun parading my talents and charm around the ladies... well, believe me, it's all a joke. Be someone with substance. Make sure your priorities are right. Be respectable. And don't ask me to make you a watermark.

sigh

Lifted from http://globalnation.inquirer.net/news/breakingnews/view/20110223-321792/Aquino-No-need-for-apology-to-Taiwan

With regards to the tension between Taiwan and the Philippines at this moment, here’s what President Aquino said:

But should Taiwan make good on its threat to freeze the hiring of Filipino workers, Aquino said: "We can look for other places for deployment. There are other territories for instance that have signified desire to hire OFWs. At the same time if we can provide jobs here, why not?'' Manila's economic and cultural office in Taipei will pursue efforts to resolve the deportation row, he added.

Um… Sir, that’s not optimism, that’s irresponsibility. You’re talking about people’s livelihoods; uprooting them from one culture and placing them on a foreign land. Why do Filipino citizens in Taiwan have to suffer for the government’s negligence? And why can’t we admit to erring? And how come we’re not addressing the president as President Aquino?

Learnings

I once heard someone say you only retain 20 percent of what you learn in school. Of course I tried to verify this on Google but came up empty, so either the percentage is off or I ate up a whole lot of farce and am spreading it around like the flu or like spam. Anyway, it seems the 20 percent that I remember is actually quite trivial. For example, one of the few things I remember from counseling class (there must have been a better name for that; I’m sure it gives the impression that we were all deviants, but that’s not the case) was a piece of advice about drying our hands. “I had a professor in college, but I don’t remember a single thing I learned in that class except for this: after you wash your hands, only use one paper towel to dry your hands off.” (not verbatim) Of course this is the only thing from that class that sticks with me. But it’s especially hard for me because I have big hands, and whenever I dry them off I’m reminded of this lesson and I limit myself to one paper towel, and it’s not enough. My hands are still wet when I exit the rest room. Thus I have to comfort myself by pretending that I’m saving the planet (while at the same time, I aggregate thousands of kilograms of garbage… from packaging… small exaggeration).

What I’m really trying to drive at is another nugget of information that I’ve retained over the years. This one is from health class, and it’s equally as trivial. The lesson, “get your vitamins from food, not from pills.” Not verbatim as well, and maybe not as trivial… But recently, this has been killing me. Recently I reflected on my diet and I was shocked by how little vegetables and fruit I consume on a daily basis. If my diet was the food pyramid, it’d be the cheddar cheese pyramid with chunks missing. I don’t get enough vitamins! I’m trying to think of ways to remedy this, and so far it’s either pills or cereal (which claims to pack over 11 vitamins and minerals)… and of course to eat more vegetables, but who wants to do that? This only came to mind because I got sick two weeks ago and I was told to take vitamin C. They didn’t say, “eat more oranges or strawberries,” they said something to the effect of, “swallow those pills!” But you know what, I say “Give me oranges! Give me strawberries!”

But fruit in the Philippines is expensive. So I’ve compromised. I found the middle ground. I found a way to help both the manufacturer and the farmer: manufactured apple cider. Contains 100 percent of my daily values based on a 2,000 calorie diet (whatever that means). Ahh… it feels good contributing to the world.

Filipino Chinese Guys

I don't like Filipino Chinese Guys.

I was at a welcome-back party earlier and the demographic was 80% Filipino Chinese males; 15% Filipino Chinese females; and 5% Filipino males. Of course I'm approximating these percentages, I'm still not well enough to do anything like counting. But to get to the point, there was something about the FCG's that bothered me. I don't know whether it was the clean cut and gelled hair they all had, or the muscular build they all seemed to possess, or that their skin was paler than the average Filipino, or that they're aristocratic in their behavior... Wait... this sounds familiar.

Let me rephrase my first statement. I don't like Twilight Vampires.

(Okay, that joke was two years too late. Shame on me)

Weekend

The first thing I'm going to do this weekend: Buy soup and chicken broth... the manufactured kind. I don't think I'm well enough to slaughter chicken.

Flu

I feel warm for the first time in two weeks.

I hate being sick. Symptoms of the flu include sore throat, fever, headache, muscle ache and soreness, and cough. I had all those and the a few that weren't mentioned including a heightened sense of smell and an inability to get warm. You'd think a heightened sense of smell would make you feel more like a super hero (say... like Daredevil) or pregnant, but with great powers comes whole lot of suckiness. When I leave the house all I smell is car fumes. I'd comment further, but the only thing that comes to mind is "I HATE IT! I HATE IT!" It's disgusting. It makes me want to move to the mountains.

So yeah, I feel warm for the first time in two weeks. I guess that's one of my biggest reliefs. I'd wear three layers to sleep and still wouldn't feel warm. It's numbing really, when all you feel is cold. I'm so glad I'm better.

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I also hate sore throats (which is what I started with). It kills me that I'm not allowed to drink things I crave for. No soy milk, orange juice, pineapple juice, juice juice... sigh