Failure by Design

The Oscar season is over, and though predictable, the results still made me go "Whaa--?"  It's as though I wanted a surprise and expected a surprised, but instead I received what I knew was coming all along.

It's the same way with a Christmas present: you know exactly what your parents got you but something keeps nudging at you -- a pursuasive gut feeling that raises your expectations and says "but what if..."  And though this thought process leads directly to disappointment, it's impossible to let go. And despite everything, you convince yourself to believe.

Last year I was appalled that The Social Network did not win the Oscar for best motion picture.  I was appalled despite all the signs that said "The King's Speech was made for the Oscars."  "The King's Speech is the type of movie Oscars voters love." "The King's Speech is going to win."

I saw the signs but wanted to be proven wrong.

I often set myself up for disaster.  I often build boats I know will sink, and planes I know won't fly.  By chance will things work out? If we put in a little more effort will it make it through? It's okay to have a little hope, is it not?

In the end I'm always a little shocked and disoriented. I predicted a fastball when I knew The Artist was a curve ball that everyone saw coming. When you create hopeful expectations, you allow for doubt and disappointed. But in the end I'm always a little more disappointed than how I expected to feel when I knowly stopped following the signs.

Alone

As a toddler I remember hating being alone. My parents probably remember this clearly as I used to sneak into their bed at night, leaving them bruised and sore from my rolling and kicking. Growing up, I would constantly run into my brother's room where the AC would be running, 'Bone Thugs & Harmony' or 'DC Talk' would be blaring, and my brother would be pounding away on his Sega Genesis. As a kid this was always comforting. Having someone in the same room, filling up space and creating a ruckus meant the silent unknown was less formidable and less inclined to wrap its tentacles around me. As a kid, my imagination was much more frightening than the mundane. I wasn't a coward, I wasn't always afraid -- then and now, being alone is only a problem when I'm hit with the sudden realization that there is no one else with me and if anything bad happens to me or pounces on me, there wouldn't be anyone to come to my rescue.

As an adult I'm not gripped with the same fear as I was when I was younger. But the realization of being alone gives me the same irrational hopelessness, and longing for something to run home to. I'm in a very quiet house where the only noise comes from the whirling of the fan, the beats and tunes from my stereo, and the engine of cars that drive 17 floors below me. These are empty sounds. The first thing I noticed when my parents left for the States at 3am was the lack of chattering in the morning that usually wakes me up. The second thing I noticed was the eerily quiet living room where the radio would usually be tuned to a senti- or classical music station. I guess these are the things I miss most right now. Noise doesn't fill a room, it just creates an atmosphere. And the atmosphere my parents created is gone. I guess this is the reason why I'm hit with the realization that I'm alone.

Home

A month and a half ago my parents retired from the mission field and returned to the Philippines. God blessed my father with a very generous brother who let my parents and I stay in his very recently finished condo unit. Last night, over dinner, I mentioned to my parents that I've lived in eight different houses my entire life (with a minimum duration of one year). And although I was aware of how often I've moved, it surprised me that eight houses equates to one house every three years. I said this statement out loud, and my mom looked concerned and tried to reassure me that it was part of their job and since we were renting and returning to the Philippines every four years, we didn't have much choice. You can tell from her change in tone that she was worried I may have psychological issues as an effect of our bouncing around, but honestly I love moving. I love getting up and moving to a new location, and developing a new relationship with a different part of the city, just as long as the people I see everyday don't change (it also helps that for the most part, every house I've lived in has been an upgrade from the last house). And right now, I think I've reached the apex of my house hunting career. The condo I live in is one of the nicest condos in the Philippines -- and if I wasn't such a well-mannered individual I'd probably rub it in everyone's face. (muahahah) But in two years, I may have to move out again, and really I'm fine with that. I look forward to it really, because I know that a new house means a new and unique experience that'll force me to adjust. I look forward to cleansing myself of useless junk that I've accumulated over the years and living off the bare necessities all over again. I get mildly uncomfortable visiting old houses that have not gone through major renovation in a long time, or seeing the accumulation of stuff that are plopped in a corner pretending to be decoration but really don't serve any real purpose at all. I'm a minimalist, that's one you know should know about me. I'm not here to bash sentimental people, I'm just stating my preference. I'm the type of guy who could live in a model home and be totally cool with it.

You can tell I haven't blogged in a while because this post at no direction. Hope you don't mind. I'm trying to get back into blogging, so give me some time.

Recap

A week ago I was admitted to St. Luke's hospital for Dengue. My platelet count dropped to 87,000 while the normal platelet level is between 150,000 and 450,000. If it's too low, excessive bleeding can occur. Fortunately, by Wednesday my platelet count went up to 118,000 and the doctor discharged me. Well, here are a few blessings during this past week:

• My brother arrived in the Phil. for a vacation on Aug. 2 and left Aug 11. I was sick from Aug. 1 to Aug. 10. (I kind of feel bad about that -- sorry bro if I wrecked your sched with my untimely illness)
• My company's health insurance was actually pending when I was being admitted to the hospital, but they must've rushed the application because I didn't pay anything when I left
• People from church helped me get my PhilHealth (national health insurance) papers signed at the office proving that I did make PhilHealth contributions for six months (even though I actually only made five contributions. heehee)
• The HR person at my office pretty much walked me through the requirements I needed for billing
• My aunt and uncle came on day 1 and made sure I got a room and that I was comfortable (It's really encouraging to have people around, especially if it's your first time to be confined at the hospital)
• A loooot of visitors which is nice to have especially when you're stuck in a room day after day. We really were made to be social people
• Some people from Church helped with my check out, so I had a ride home from the hospital

Anyways, thanks everyone for being so caring and for all your prayers and support. I really appreciate the community I have around me.

[Note, I didn't check the grammar before I pressed Publish Post... Bad habit of mine]

Wet Season

Note: I wrote the following yesterday, June 24, 2011, before my internet got cut off.

Waking up at 4AM to the sound of violent rain is dreadful. Not only do memories flood back of typhoon Ondoy, which some people are reliving at this moment, but the rain is also a portent of ruined plans. That's what I thought as I got online to check if 80 percent of Metro Manila was, again, flooded. I was met with headlines stating "Flash floods swamp Metro," and later in the day "'Falcon' affects over 100,000 persons in Metro Manila, parts of Luzon."

You can read about the tropical storm "Falcon" on news sites like Inquirer.net or ABS-CBNnews.com/ANC, but I also want to state what was going through my mind this morning. I hope the Taiwan consulate is open. I knew that if Falcon was anything like Ondoy, my chances of securing a visa to Taiwan in time for a Wednesday departure would disappear, and I had made up my mind that leaving after Wednesday was both too expensive and too short a trip. I set the condition: if I was able to apply for a visa and book a ticket that morning, then I would go; if false, then I would cancel my trip. Recalling my thought process this morning is embarrassing because I was so decisive.

You should know something about me, I'm very pessimistic. I was so unsure my plans would push through because there were so many things that could go wrong. What if I can't print the documents? What if I don't have enough money? So many what if's... And it doesn't help that my mom and I planned the trip the day before.

When I think about the future, I think of all the hurdles I may face, all the problems I may encounter, and all the failures I may have to endure. This doesn't only apply to my trip to Taiwan, but to life in general. As a relatively fresh graduate, I still find financial independence to be daunting. As a guy who's never been in a long and serious relationship, marriage seems like a foreign concept. And raising kids? That's another life. I don't have the maturity for that. I'm not financially stable. I can't even pay for my own rent. Tomorrow one of my high school friends is getting married. We talked about it once. We briefly exchanged words about growing up and what it means to be living by our own hands, so-to-speak. From my vantage point, it looks impossible. I cant even tell how I made it this far. God's grace, I'm sure. But more and more I realize, life is a relentless storm: possessions will be swept away, valuables will submerge in the floods, lives will be lost.

But fortunately, today, I was able to apply for my visa and I was able to book a flight to Taipei. I'm weathering the storm so far, and the future looks promising. In a week's time I'll be in Taiwan. I pray that everything works out.

To Do List - June 13, 2011

1. Watch Lebron beat down Dallas in Game 6 of the NBA Finals.
2. Renew my NBI Clearance at Victory Mall, Monumento
3. Make my home presentable for CI (which I presume means cottage inspection)
4. Blog about unemployment or about my siblings.
5. Buy garlic.
6. Prepare for Tuesday's small group.
7. Read 100 pages of Game of Thrones.

New beginnings

My computer froze on Thursday. When I tried to restart the computer, it refused to boot up and I was met with an error screen that told me my computer registry cannot be found. Fortunately, I received some advice from a friend this morning who told me how to reformat my computer without needing to run anything from the hard drive.

So I have a fresh start.

I bought this computer in June 2008. It's an Asus M51 with a 2.10Ghz processor, 2GB of RAM, working on a 32-bit Operating System. It's not bad. It's comparable with computers you can buy now.

But when I reformatted my computer, I was given a lot of choices with what I could do with it: new desktop background, freshly labeled folders, and so much space. I have 207GB of free memory! But one of the most important thing that defines a personalized computer is the programs I install. So here's a list of computer program essentials in order of importance:

1. Google Chrome - an uncluttered, and fully customizable browser that makes surfing the web seamless
2. iTunes - for my iPod. So far no music, only podcasts
3. Skype - haven't downloaded it yet, but my family will be mad at me if I don't install it
4. VLC Media Player - for movies
5. AVG Anti-virus - everyone needs an antivirus (I'm not using one right now actually). I would've said Avast, but last time I installed it my computer crashed.

That's all for now. I'll see what else I need when the time comes.