---The first half is boring. Skip to "I don't like sermons about forgiveness" (third to the last paragraph) if you don't consider yourself to be a reader.---
This evening the pastor at my church spoke on Proverbs 17:9. "He who covers a transgression seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates friends." We were asked to think of a person we needed to ask forgiveness from. I couldn't think of anyone because I'm the type of guy who's quick to forgive; I don't hold grudges. People make mistakes, I try not to let it get the best of me. But in the back of my mind I knew that I was having a bad day and it had to do with me being 'disrepected.'
One thing that irritates me is when I'm not shown respect or attention, especially when I'm waiting for food. Seriously, don't get between me and food when I'm hungry because I begin to brood and it's not pretty. So at lunch today I was waiting to order but the waitresses kept on snubbing me. She wouldn't take my order and continued to give her attention to other customers, even those who came in after me. I realized she was only doing this because there were a ton of customers that were demanding her service and since she knew me, she probably figured it would be wiser to snub someone she knew than a customer she didn't know.
Okay, I'm starting to feel bad for writing this because I feel like I'm digging up stuff that has already been forgiven and forgotten, but for the sake of blogging...
College fellowship is supposed to start at 2PM. I've tried to make it a point to start on time because I once got in trouble for letting the people out late (they were late for volleyball practice). I corrected them and it was fine for a time but today people came really late (even the youth pastor came late) and it really got on my nerves. We ended up starting the fellowship at 2:20 and by then I didn't want to be there. I contemplated leaving after the praise and worship session because I felt people didn't respect my time nor my value for punctuality. But the moment passed and I was okay for the rest of the fellowship. We try to end at 3:30, but on that day we didn't get out till 4:10. It was ridiculous because you can see people fidgeting in their seats as they wanted to leave, but we didn't want to end the program prematurely. I hope they come early next week so we can dismiss them on time.
After the fellowship I was fine. I let it pass because dwelling on something like that doesn't benefit me. Then during the worship service we learned about forgiveness.
I don't like sermons about forgiveness, not because I don't like forgiveness, but because the pastor always tells you to conjure up feelings of resentment that you try hard to forget. You're asked to think of someone you need to forgive, and it's hard for me because I'm quick to forgive. So what happens in my mind is I think of a time when someone had wronged me, remember that I've forgiven that person, then struggle with the thought of "Why do I still remember this? Haven't I forgiven this person already?" And it's tough because I have to re-evaluate whether I'm still willing to forgive that person.
One resentment that I feel I've gotten over yet still struggle to deal with whenever the memory floods back is my denial of a US Visa in order to attend my sister's wedding. The American consulate in Taipei denied me the opportunity to see an event that will most likely never happen again. I blamed everyone for this: the US and their restrictions, Filipinos who went to America and never came back, and God for having the power to do something but withholding it for whatever reason. It still upsets me today as I'm scared to return to an American embassy knowing that I'll have to check the "have you ever been denied a visa before" box. Will I ever see my sister's life in the States? Will I be able to attend my high school friend's wedding? I know I've dealt with this frustration in the past, and I've been able to forgive. But when I'm asked to conjure up this memory.. a memory of being rejected on grounds that are unrelated to me, but are related to my nationality.. I have to wonder whether I am willing to forgive again.
It gives a new meaning to Jesus' words in Matthew 18:22 in response to Peter's question, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Not seven times, seven times seventy.
