Summer Cleaning

My mother spends most of her day cleaning the house. It’s one of her passions; it’s one of her obsessions. She sweeps, she mops, she dusts everything in every room. It’s a lifelong chore that she finds satisfying. And I’m proud of her; I’m proud of her work. At the end of the day the house always seems to sparkle. It makes me feel like a king whenever I visit her in Taiwan. But here in the Philippines, my place is a mess.

Ever since summer I’ve been either too busy or unmotivated to clean up. I receive comments from my sister and mother about how cluttered my room looks whenever we video conference on Skype. It’s embarrassing. So today I cleaned my room. I started with my desk. Then I swept the floor. I even organized my files on my computer. I was on a role. Then there was the task of cleaning the wall.

My mirror sits on my desk which allows me to see my whole room and the TV even though I’m staring at the wall. But it took up too much space so I decided to move it. In the mirror’s place is its dirty outline: a white wall with dark smudges, sticky-tack, and dust. The sticky-tack came off easily, but the dark smudges . . . Cleaning a white wall is impossible. The more I scrub, the more the smudges seem to spread and smear. Some day I’m going to repaint this wall a different color – or maybe I’ll paint a mural of the Justice League instead.

I love cleaning my room. I feel so accomplished when my room is neat and organized. And I expect my mom to be proud of me, even if she can’t see it. I just wish my life was the same way. I still have my 2009 New Years Resolution on my wall, most of which can be repeated again this year (e.g. raise GPA, go somewhere new). Last year I accomplished four of the ten resolutions. But there are always things I wish I did that I didn’t do. I’ve gotten most of the sticky-tack and dust off my life, but you’ll still find smudges of failures and shortcomings that refuse to come off despite the constant scrubbing. I know how clean I want my life to be, but no matter how I go about it I’ll always say something hurtful or negative to bring others down. I’ll eventually lose the motivation to continue to work at it, and in the end nothing will change. Dust will collect again; posters and pictures will fade.

I go through these phases of wanting to be, needing to be, a better man. I find it so easy to give in, to give up. But giving up is always a mistake. I want a clean wall.

Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. -Psalm 74:11