Past, Present, Future

I once punched a guy in the stomach my freshmen year in high school. He was bigger than me, but he was one of those goofy, gentle guys who had a reputation for being a teacher's pet. Even now I can clearly picture my Chinese teacher patting him on the head saying something like "乖乖." But he didn't have a chip on his shoulder, didn't look down on anyone else. He was a great guy, but I still had to punch him.

One day after class I had to call home, but I didn't have my cellphone. With my two 1NTD coins I made my way to the payphone when I accidentally dropped one of the coins. This guy picked it up and tossed it to his friend. We started playing monkey-in-the-middle, and I was the monkey. Clearly I wasn't happy with the situation, so I did what any young, impatient, angry kid would do in that situation. I stuck my clenched fist in his gut and watched him tumble. It was my first victory in a physical fight -- though looking back on it I wouldn't call it a fight. It was clearly one-sided, and I clearly had a cheap shot. I guess you wouldn't call that a victory either.

The funny thing is, years later we both clearly remember the incident. I remember him casually commenting that he wouldn't want to fight me because I punch hard. His compliment bolstered my ego, but it helped remind me that some things are hard to forget. They may not continue to hold grudges against us, but in the back of their heads they'll have the knowing instinct that Yes, this guy sometimes lashes out unexpectedly. Beware

I apologized three years later. They say you should forgive and forget, but you can't forget unless you forgive. And I'm sure that neither of us have forgotten. Being the chill guy that he was, he told me to not worry about it, it's fine, etc. But now, I look back on the incident with both pride and guilt. I'm proud because I know I can throw a punch that could drop a guy twice my size, but I feel bad because it was uncalled for.

Why exactly am I bringing this up? The other day I lashed out at someone, not physically but verbally. I was angry, not at that person, but with everyone and everything. I wanted to burn down establishments and I wanted to put numerous people in sleeper-holds and leave them by the side of the road. I was angry at God and I was very angry at myself. Like the impatient self that I was seven years ago, I lashed out and I hurt someone.

It was one incident and it'll probably not happen again in the next seven years (I hope), but it's something hard to forget.

[Now I'm going to be less serious]

I probably made the moment more memorable and indelible by writing about it and posting it on a public forum. This might come back to haunt me. I can picture it now, seven years from now my job interviewer will google my name and find my blog. He'll read this post and check the calendar, Seven years have passed? He'll probably lashed out again, soon.

And the guy I wrote about at the beginning of this blog will read this post and the forgotten memory will come streaming back. He'll start holding a grudge against me, fantasizing about burning down my house, putting me in a sleeper-hold, and leaving my body by the side of the street.

These online confessions will be the end of me . . .