Fiction

[I was bored and witless when I wrote this]

The newspaper lies in front of me. The paper’s grime is already rubbing off on my fingers making their tips sooty. Page after page I read about the turmoil and chaos in this place I call home. I read about the murders, the corruption, the wars, diseases, famines, endless, endless! I was staring into a sea of trouble.

But on the last page of the newspaper I saw an ad that proclaimed in bold, red text “Name it and we will deliver!” I glanced down and read the name of the company who paid for the bottom half page: Credence Inc. And below their reassuring name I saw their 1-800 hotline welcoming calls for assistance.

I was fed up with the horrors this world was presenting me. Now I was staring at a self-proclaiming panacea – a company that said, “We can fix anything!” I dialed the number.

It rung twice.

Credence: Good Morning! You’ve just reached the Credence hotline! How may I be of service?
Me: Hello. I was wondering what types of services Credence provides. I was reading your ad in the newspaper just now and it wasn’t very specific.
C: Hahaha! It’s as specific as can be!
M: But it’s so general. “Name it and we will deliver?”
C: That’s right! Whatever it is you need, we’ll deliver!
M: Ha! So what if I say I want to end the War in Iraq, could you do that?
C: Of course! We’re capable of doing anything!
M: Whatever. Okay, I want you to solve all the world’s problems . . . You can start with the world economy.
C: Right away, sir! It’ll just cost you 14 trillion dollars. Do you plan on charging this to yo . . .
M: FOURTEEN TRILLION!?!? Are you insane?
C: But sir, that’s what it’ll cost to fix the current world economy.
M: This is absurd! How do you guys get any business?
C: Usually our customers start out small, for example if you need help with your financing our daughter company can provide you with a broker.
M: I don’t need a broker. I just hate reading the newspaper – it’s utterly depressing.
C: May I suggest you try subscribing to Credence News? We customize the news and present to you whatever you want – in your case, happy news!
M: Nah, I’d rather read unbiased, and unabashed truth. What you’re suggesting sounds like communism.
C: Uh . . . Technically, no. What we’re providing is Absolute Capitalism. We are entirely customer-focused. Whatever the customer wants, we deliver!
M: Do you sell a potion that would make me immortal?
C: Why yes, we’re still in stock.
M: I’ll take it.

132 years later . . .

Me: I hate you Credence Inc.