Open

So it's November. You know what that means... NABLOPOMO!!! (also, happy All Saints' Day!) That means I'm going to attempt to blog everyday for the month of November. Exciting, right?

I've been reading the Andre Agassi memoir Open on my new Kindle. Great way to start my ebook reading. It reads a lot easier than the previous book I read (The Blind Assassin). For one, I'm reading it on the Kindle, and two, the words are simple and the sentences are short.

Like this.

But I can't stop reading. I'm in love with the character. Let me clarify, I'm not in love with Agassi, I'm in love with the character that he is. I don't want to sound all woman-like, but I've found that I'm attracted to reading about tragic men. Two of my favorite books in the past four years have been about tragic men: The Tender Bar and The Yiddish Policemen's Union.

I'm comforted that there are men out there who are great, although insecure and remorseful, yet can still carry on with that baggage in tow. I can't say I have much in common with these characters, but I do understand what it's like to be judged by who I'm perceived to be, yet live a life that's totally different from within. Unlike these memoirs and novels, it's harder for us to express our stories. And it's even harder to be honest about it.

Maybe I can be more honest with myself in the coming month.

The Problem with the Kindle

I can buy a paperback for 7.50USD from the local bookstore. Since my region is listed as Asia & Pacific I'm charged and additional 2 dollars for a book. Books are around 10USD if you're in the States, thus I have to pay 5USD more for an ebook than for a paperback. I'm wondering if this was a good investment or not.

What I love about the Kindle is that it's so easy to read. The font is big and the contrast makes it readable anywhere -- in the dark or in sunlight. I don't have to worry about my body's position to the light because there are no pages to cast shadows . It's light and portable. And it's easy to hold and flip pages. No longer do I have to worry about the book's spine, nor do I have to put any effort into keeping the book pages open with my fingers, which is always a pain when I'm reading with one hand.

The Kindle is amazing. I'm just sad that the books I want are either too expensive or not in Kindle format yet.

Bleh

So the previous entry wasn't how I intended it to be. Anyways, here's part 2.

Ever since I was young I didn't know what I wanted to be. I had no aspirations. I still don't. I don't know who I want to be, so I either take the next logical step or refer to other people for what I should be doing.

I just want to do something I'm good at. I know that's a dangerous thing to say as I could be good at being a super villain, or maybe something milder like a custodian. Not that I'm comparing the two. But what I'm trying to say is that I want to do something where people can value my work and say complement me on a job well done. I don't want to be stuck in a job where I'm second guessing myself, worrying about getting scolded for a poor work. I'm scared of failure. I hate letting people down.

Sure, I have some minor esteem issues, but isn't that what everyone wants?

Rearranging my Priorities

A job. I'm looking for a job.

Yesterday I received a call from a company that was looking for Proofreaders. I was skeptical but was curious as to what this job entailed. Honestly, when I applied for the job I wasn't too keen on joining this relatively unknown company and I didn't feel any reason to commit to it, but I was intrigued that they were a non-voice BPO and dealt with e-book for companies in the US and in Europe.

This morning I went to Eastwood and made it barely in time for my scheduled interview (I would've been there sooner if I had flagged down a taxi when I needed one -- but hey! I was on time!). I wasn't too impressed with the building they were located in -- four floors, no elevators, and I didn't see the company's name anywhere. As I came to unit 302 I was surprised to see a door filled with book covers published some time ago. I felt deceived as the website I visited the previous night showed nothing to do with books, but at the same time I was comforted that I had found myself in the publishing industry -- or some form of it.

I was let in by the secretary who asked me to take a short exam. The proofreading exam required me to compare the scanned pages of a book with the ebook that it was converted into. Normally, the conversion tool is 90% accurate, meaning you'd find lots of mistakes. I was to note down the page number, the original error, and beside that the correction. For example:

102 - inside the lockde cabin was- inside the locked cabin was

I was given fifteen minutes for three pages -- I didn't finish. I was half way through the third page when I was asked to stop. After fifteen minutes the boss asked me to step inside a private room for the actual interview. He was impressed with my examination but quickly asked whether I could keep this up for eight hours a day, six days a week. He asked if I was okay with doing tedious work that required me to stare at a computer screen all day. He pretty much pointed out that this probably wasn't what I'd be interested in doing in the long run, especially with the low salary. I admitted that I applied for the job out of curiosity, but expressed my interest in the ebook industry.

He then gave me an education about the ebook industry, talking about their customers at Barnes and Noble, the evolution of the ebook format, and how the iPad had corrupted the ePub format by making it a single-platform through the use of DRM.

He told me that as a Lasallite (or a La Sallian) I was probably more ambitious, probably searching for a business related vocation which would prepare me to start my own business. He guessed that I didn't have any long-term plans for staying with the company, which he found to be a shame because he was searching for new proofreaders. He then asked me what I expected for a starting salary. I gave him a figure and he said he had a position that paid that much, but it required background knowledge and experience, which I had none of. He wracked his mind for job openings that I might be interested in, but the company was too small. In the end, the only thing we could come up with was a 1-year contract as a freelance proofreader, and maybe a promotion in the future. I thanked him for his time and consideration, and for the education about the ebook industry. I left. I felt sad.

The guy was really nice. He was amiable and tried to accommodate me knowing I had higher expectations. I was in an industry that I liked, and would be able to "read" books. At the same time, I knew I couldn't accept a job that paid so low. I knew my living expenses would outweigh my potential income. I knew I didn't want to stare at a computer screen all day (although that's pretty much all I do now). I just felt bad that my priorities were different than I thought they were.

Imagined Priorities:

I wanted a job that I could do well (and apparently, I'm a pretty good proofreader). check

I wanted good pay. no check

I wanted irregular work hours. check

I wanted an accessible location. check, no check, depending if I work there or at home

I wanted something with a future. half-check

I wanted something to do with writing. no check

I wanted a good boss. check

Actual Priorities:

Good pay.

It's kind of ridiculous. I find my pride is getting in the way. I know I'd compare myself with my more successful friends if I took the job. I feel like the job would be a poor return on investment. I feel like the job is for high school drop outs (his words). It's not a great job. But I feel like I'm turning it down for the wrong reasons.

Apple Shampoo

Is there any difference between shampoo for men and shampoo for women? Are they really chemically design for men's scalps or is that just a marketing tool? I've been using shampoo all my life and ... yes, I really have been using shampoo all my life ... and I don't feel my hair has gotten any dryer or more dandruff free because I use a shampoo that's marketed towards women. The only difference I've noticed after switching to shampoo for men is that the shampoo smell is more manly. And... well... Actually... Actually that's good enough a reason for me.

Cat

My uncle keeps lot of pets at his house. A bunch of extraordinary ones as well, such as horn bill, a monkey, two eagles, and a bunch of hens. You don't see these animals unless you're at the zoo, but apparently you'll fond them at my uncle's house.

My uncle also owns a handful of dogs and cats. Most of the cats were feral but he has one kitten that close to being domesticated. And out of all the exotic animals in this zoo-like house, I found this kitten to attract most of my attention. It's just so cute! With its stubby legs and its mechanized movements. Every now and then you'd find it curiously sneak up behind someone as they'd walk by and jump at them like a jaguar, but would retreat at any sign of danger.

I guess what really caught my attention was that the kitten reminded me more of an animated cartoon. It shocks me that animation has become so good that movies like Bolt don't look like an imitation of real animals, they look like the real thing. It also disturbs me that real life now looks like animated cartoons.

Forgiveness

[disclaimer: I am still typing in dvorak so if I don't make sense... tell me to switch back to qwerty]

---The first half is boring. Skip to "I don't like sermons about forgiveness" (third to the last paragraph) if you don't consider yourself to be a reader.---

This evening the pastor at my church spoke on Proverbs 17:9. "He who covers a transgression seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates friends." We were asked to think of a person we needed to ask forgiveness from. I couldn't think of anyone because I'm the type of guy who's quick to forgive; I don't hold grudges. People make mistakes, I try not to let it get the best of me. But in the back of my mind I knew that I was having a bad day and it had to do with me being 'disrepected.'

One thing that irritates me is when I'm not shown respect or attention, especially when I'm waiting for food. Seriously, don't get between me and food when I'm hungry because I begin to brood and it's not pretty. So at lunch today I was waiting to order but the waitresses kept on snubbing me. She wouldn't take my order and continued to give her attention to other customers, even those who came in after me. I realized she was only doing this because there were a ton of customers that were demanding her service and since she knew me, she probably figured it would be wiser to snub someone she knew than a customer she didn't know.

Okay, I'm starting to feel bad for writing this because I feel like I'm digging up stuff that has already been forgiven and forgotten, but for the sake of blogging...

College fellowship is supposed to start at 2PM. I've tried to make it a point to start on time because I once got in trouble for letting the people out late (they were late for volleyball practice). I corrected them and it was fine for a time but today people came really late (even the youth pastor came late) and it really got on my nerves. We ended up starting the fellowship at 2:20 and by then I didn't want to be there. I contemplated leaving after the praise and worship session because I felt people didn't respect my time nor my value for punctuality. But the moment passed and I was okay for the rest of the fellowship. We try to end at 3:30, but on that day we didn't get out till 4:10. It was ridiculous because you can see people fidgeting in their seats as they wanted to leave, but we didn't want to end the program prematurely. I hope they come early next week so we can dismiss them on time.

After the fellowship I was fine. I let it pass because dwelling on something like that doesn't benefit me. Then during the worship service we learned about forgiveness.

I don't like sermons about forgiveness, not because I don't like forgiveness, but because the pastor always tells you to conjure up feelings of resentment that you try hard to forget. You're asked to think of someone you need to forgive, and it's hard for me because I'm quick to forgive. So what happens in my mind is I think of a time when someone had wronged me, remember that I've forgiven that person, then struggle with the thought of "Why do I still remember this? Haven't I forgiven this person already?" And it's tough because I have to re-evaluate whether I'm still willing to forgive that person.

One resentment that I feel I've gotten over yet still struggle to deal with whenever the memory floods back is my denial of a US Visa in order to attend my sister's wedding. The American consulate in Taipei denied me the opportunity to see an event that will most likely never happen again. I blamed everyone for this: the US and their restrictions, Filipinos who went to America and never came back, and God for having the power to do something but withholding it for whatever reason. It still upsets me today as I'm scared to return to an American embassy knowing that I'll have to check the "have you ever been denied a visa before" box. Will I ever see my sister's life in the States? Will I be able to attend my high school friend's wedding? I know I've dealt with this frustration in the past, and I've been able to forgive. But when I'm asked to conjure up this memory.. a memory of being rejected on grounds that are unrelated to me, but are related to my nationality.. I have to wonder whether I am willing to forgive again.

It gives a new meaning to Jesus' words in Matthew 18:22 in response to Peter's question, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Not seven times, seven times seventy.